My worst fears.

     I am someone that is very sensitive when it comes to others emotions. I have sensed when there is change in the air. I won't go into details on this because A. we don't have time, and B. Some are too personal and are wonderful moments in my life that I hold dear.
     My worst fear is abandonment. I have always told Trent - You better not ever leave me. He would always hold me and tell me "I'm not going anywhere. If anything you will go first with all your health problems." (I'm not writing this by saying anything that bad is going to happen.) I saw a book that I had to laugh at because it fits for Trent and I . It said "If you die from cancer, I am going to kill you." It has been interesting to talk about "Worse Case Scenario" and talk about funerals, who would talk and so on. We talked about what we want our kids to do in the future, finances, wills, power of attorneys, and life insurance.  I think it's important to be prepared because something could even happen to me tomorrow. I am the type of person that has to be prepared. I want to know so I don't get a surprise when I least expect it. I hate the unknown........

   Trent found out that he had high blood pressure this year. On Thanksgiving he had complained that his heart was hurting. Trent never complains. That is more of my department (yes Trent I admit it.) I knew something wasn't right if he kept talking about it. I was talking to my mom and she had said she saw a sign about a heartscan for $69 and you don't need a dr order. I was thinking maybe Trent had a blockage due to other signs he had. I paid the money and told Trent to go get it done. Of course Trent thought it was a waste of money and to get our money back because he didn't have time to go in. I tried to get the money back, but I couldn't. I told Trent he didn't have a choice, he had to go do it! He was told he would get results back in a week or so.
     The next day a cardiologist called to tell Trent he had saw an abnormality, but he couldn't see all of it and Trent needed to come back in to get a CT Scan. Trent asked if he could wait, but the Cardiologist said "No." We had to come up with money and I wasn't sure how we were going to. We didn't have insurance until Jan. 1.  God really does work through people and it has been hard and humbling for me to accept. We had enough money for the CT Scan and the cardiologist called back to say that there was a nodule in his thyroid, and a big mass above his lung. The cardiologist wiped his hands clean and said he didn't know what to do since this wasn't his field, and Trent needed to go back to his family dr. 
     Trent decided he wanted to wait to get insurance for any more tests, A. we didn't have a choice, and B. He didn't want his Christmas ruined. I had been doing a lot of research based off the medical information my sister (who is a nurse ) and brother (who is a resident going into orthopedics) and was able to be prepared to understand the medical terms when I heard them. I thought he was going to have Lymphoma and was hoping for Hodgkin's which was less risky than Non. We found a specialist and we were able to see the CT scan. Trent has a huge mass with nodules around it. He also has Two big nodules in his thyroid. The result said it could be lymphoma, but it looked like Thymoma. Thymoma is a rare cancer of the Thymus. I asked which was worse, the dr sad it was about the same.  He told us that no matter what, that mass had to come out. Trent would be in ICU for hours and the hospital for 4/5 days, off work for 6 weeks. He won't be able to lift Hope, and that one will be hard because she loves her dad.   The specialist made Trent get many tests done, and the Pet scan(not to be confused with a CaTscan) is something where he drank radioactive sugar. If it's cancer, the cells will consume it and light up in the scan. Trent's mass consumed it. We will have a biopsy after the mass is taken out. The Specialist said he thinks his thyroid is a whole different issue and we need to get it biopsied to know what we are working with. What are the odds if you were to have two types of cancer? We have to do that soon and we will find out more. Once we know more we will know of a treatment plan (chemo/radiation).
     People have been asking how I have been doing. First off Trent doesn't talk about it, he deals with it by joking. When his mom died he was comforting me and I kept telling him I should be doing the comforting. He deals with it in a different way than I would. However, that being said I had prepared myself so I am doing ok. Trent wants me to set up the appt's and tell everyone because I think he doesn't want to keep talking about it. All he says is "It sucks." I am working off my anxiety and stress to get his appts ready and I decided to go to school full time. I focus on that so I don't break down. As of now we are both optimistic and ok. I'm worried it's going to be really hard after surgery trying to keep kids off him, and being able to handle it all while trying to get my degree so I can have something to fall back on if needs be. I know Trent is worried about finances and sometimes it drives me crazy because I want to get him in and get all the testing done ASAP, but he has to find time during work, which I guess is understandable :) We find out more on his thyroid next week, and on Jan23 we go in for checkin for his surgery on Jan 24.