Surgery

On wed night Trent and I went out for ice cream s o he could have one last treat before surgery. However, I think he might get sick of ice cream after his stay:) . I hadn't broken down yet, I was being so strong, or so I thought. It's scary how much Trent knows me, sometimes he knows me better than I know myself. He talked to me about how I have been trying to be strong, but instead I was building up my walls so I could prepare myself to not get hurt. It's true, when I know someone is going to leave me or die my protective walls go up. I have these so that I can't get hurt. I'm not sure why I do it, and I know that by doing it I am missing out on the time I can have with those that have pass on. I'm in no way saying Trent is going to leave me lol, I am just saying if I prepared for the worst I would be protected. He knew what I was doing, I was OCD with homework, cleaning the house, and trying to get all his appts in! I realized what I was doing and he told me "Jamie, I just want you to say "This sucks, but we will be ok." At that point I grabbed his hands and looked in his eyes and said "Trent, this SUCKS, but we will get through this!" my lips trembled as I said this, and I started to cry a few tears. I had to look at a poster on the wall and tell myself to stop crying, that I was ok and I was in public and I hate crying in public! I haven't always been like this and I am not sure why I am now, but actually letting a few tears fall was a great stress reliever. During war time when cities would build protective walls up, there was usually somewhere a weak point in the wall where others could get in. Trent knows how to get in through the protective barriers I set up and to the heart of me. I love him more for this.

I had prepared myself to break down when I saw him after surgery. I must be feeling the prayers of everyone, because I have been calm and so peaceful. I think everyone is expecting me to break down and throw a tantrum on the floor, but I feel serenity, a sense of calm, and love surrounding us. We checked in on Thursday for his testing and then on Friday he went in around ten, and surgery started at almost noon. The dr came out around 2:30 and told me that the mass was actually attached to a phrenic nerve which helps the diaphragm so you can breath. He wanted to make sure it wasn't another tupe of cancer, but he had to be careful how he biopsied it so the cancer didn't spread. They did a quick educated guess of the biopsy and it was what we thought- Thymus cancer. We just don't know which one yet. We are still praying it's Thymoma and not the other one. The other one would turn us down for the worst and not good. We won't know until two wweeks of the results but the dr is optimistic that is the cancer we are dealing with. He told me that if he can't save this nerve, Trent could have shortness of breath and if that's the case he would have to come back for another surgery. We are hoping that through breathing treatments his body can compensate the loss of that nerve and since he is young, he will be able to be ok. I know the dr said he wouldn't be running any marathons, so good thing Trent hates running:( In the end, the dr couldn't save the nerve and it came out with the mass. The mass was a little bigger than he expected it would be, and after the biopsy we will know if it spread. We will come up with a treatment plan once we find out what exactly we are dealing with.

Trent came out of surgery and is in the ICU, when I went to see him I was expecting to cry, but once again, I think the prayers of others have been carrying me, and many unseen loved ones are helping Trent and I. I sat with him and rubbed his hand and we have this thing where we squeeze each other's hand three times as a "I LOVE YOU" signal. He squeezed my hand three times. I knew exactly what he was doing, and I told him how proud I was of him, how great he was doing, and I loved him too. He is exhausted this morning, since they woke him up every hour and it still hurts, regardless of pain meds since this was a major surgery. It hurts to talk to. I am writing this sitting at the side of his bed and watching him sleep.  Here is a picture before/after surgery. Trent wanted the surgeon to record the surgery.... the surgeon did show me pictures of this mass. The surgeon is such a great dr and has helped us so much and showed us much concern.